


As We Go Along

by aivi_rose



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: actually autistic writer, autistic jonah beck, self-diagnosis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 22:32:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18678667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aivi_rose/pseuds/aivi_rose
Summary: Jonah Beck is autistic, don't even try to change my mind.This is also based off my own story of self-diagnosis, which is 100% valid, especially since there are many barriers to getting an official diagnosis (money, fear of discrimination, etc). It felt like Jonah would likely go through a similar experience based on his circumstances.





	As We Go Along

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the original tumblr post that inspired me to write this: https://nonduckrelatedwords.tumblr.com/post/184575079127/why-jonah-beck-is-autistic-or-what-i-wish-people

“Hey, Cyrus, wait up a sec!”

Cyrus turned around to see who was calling out. Rushing out behind him was Jonah Beck, who didn’t even bother to zip up his backpack when the final bell rang. Cyrus reached down to pick up a paper that had fallen out.

“Thanks,” Jonah said out of breath, taking the paper from him. “My head just isn’t really in the right place today.”

“Are you okay?” Cyrus asked. He noticed that the last few days Jonah hadn’t been talking as much when they all hung out as a group, and he seemed to be fidgeting a lot more too.

“Actually, can we talk?” Jonah responded. “Not here?"

“Yeah, of course,” Cyrus said. “The Spoon? I have some allowance left for this week, and we can split some baby taters.”

“I’m not that hungry right now. Wanna just walk around for a bit?”

So the two of them headed down the sidewalk, vaguely in the direction of their houses, but in no particular rush. It took a minute before Jonah said anything.

“Cyrus, you know a lot about psychology and stuff. Have you ever heard anything about…self diagnosis?” Jonah asked quietly.

“Um, I guess it depends on the particular case. But my parents are professionals, so I only know about what’s in the DSM.”

“You can actually access the DSM online for free,” Jonah said. “But it’s sort of difficult to understand. And all the other websites, I don’t know, I was just always told that you shouldn’t believe something unless an expert told you about it.”

Cyrus stopped on the sidewalk, turning to face his friend. 

“Jonah, what’s going on?” 

Jonah suddenly shifted his eyes to the ground. There was a long pause, and he took a few deep breaths.

“I think I’m…autistic.”

Jonah quickly started walking again. Cyrus stayed for a moment to let the information sink in, then ran after his friend.

“Wait! Jonah!” Cyrus called, until he caught up to him.

“Jonah, I just need more information,” Cyrus said. “Why do you think you’re autistic?”

“I don’t—just, right now, I’ve been looking at this for a while. Ever since my panic attack at your shiva, I started looking things up. I wanted to know why I was having them and how to stop them from getting worse. And when I was looking through everything, I found this Youtube video about autism. I don’t know why I clicked it, but I did. And everything lined up. I like repetition. I’m a picky eater. I always feel like I’m mimicking people. I’m better texting than I am at talking. The first time I met Andi, I wouldn’t even have recognized her if she wasn’t wearing her duct tape shoes. Apparently that's face-blindness. And whenever I’m in any kind of social situation, I have no idea what I’m doing,” Jonah said, his voice getting tired.

“Really? But you’re Jonah Beck, you’re one of the coolest guys in the entire school,” Cyrus said.

“I am Jonah Beck, but everything that I say to people feels like a different version of me. And I make up all these scripts in my head without even realizing it. And even though I know tons of people, and I can have conversations with tons of people, you guys are the first real friends I’ve had since elementary school,” Jonah said.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to doubt you,” Cyrus said.

“It’s okay. I’ve been doubting myself a lot the past few weeks,” Jonah replied.

“Is there anything else I should know about?” 

“I think I might have some sensory issues. I know those are a common trait in autistic people, but I can’t think of anything specific for me. Except maybe the food thing. I was so overwhelmed when I saw that table at your shiva,” Jonah said.

“Taste is a sense. Or maybe it’s texture and smell too.”

“I just wish it was more exact. Like, I know it’s supposed to be a spectrum, but I feel like a fraud admitting this to you. And yet, it feels right.”

Cyrus nodded. “That’s okay,” he said, “you don’t need to have it all figured out. Have you looked into getting a diagnosis?”

“I want to, more than anything. Even if I don’t have autism I have something. I want to know what it is. And I want to get help with my panic attacks. But I can’t afford it,” Jonah said.

“Do you have health insurance? I can see if my parents cover it.”

“No! If you tell them, then they’ll just talk to my parents about it. Even if we can afford a diagnosis, we can’t afford any therapy. I don’t want them to worry about me, they have enough to worry about,” Jonah said.

“Alright. This is your thing, and I believe you. Just let me know what I can do,” Cyrus said.

“Thanks, Cyrus,” Jonah replied. “You’re a great friend.”

Jonah pulled Cyrus into a bro hug, and then Cyrus quickly pulled back.

“Wait, I know some autistic people don’t like to be touched. Is this okay?”

“Cyrus, if I initiate something, it’s fine. But thanks for asking,” Jonah said, smiling.

“Just making sure,” Cyrus said. “Wait, where are we?” Looking around, there were only the same rows of houses that all looked like each other, and the street names didn’t seem familiar at all.

“We got distracted and walked too far, didn’t we?” Jonah asked, already knowing the answer. 

“Looks like it. Are you any good with directions?” Cyrus asked.

“Nope.”

"Guess we’ll figure it out as we go along,” Cyrus said.

Jonah smiled. Cyrus was right. As they started walking back, there was only one emotion running through Jonah’s head: relief. He may not know where he was headed, but for once in his life he knew enough about himself to feel grounded. And that was all he ever really wanted.


End file.
